...And Then Darth Vader Walked In

So I've had this hilarious situation rolling around in my head for a little while now, and I think it is too funny and brilliant to pass up writing about. I don't think I can get in trouble for this fictional scenario, because the likes of Spike Lee can't get in trouble for making Inside Man.

Where you hear of robberies, what is it that is being robbed? Usually banks, some sort of store, or a person's house. But bank robberies seem to get the most recognition. Everyone always says, "I'm going to rob a bank." Movies are made of bank robberies, Inside Man being one of them. But that makes no sense. You have any idea how much work and planning needs to go into a bank robbery? Cameras, security guards, security systems, how to escape, etc. It makes little sense to me.

But there is something to rob that makes a lot of sense to me. That something is Book Buy Back. Every college in the country has one of these. The universities are buying text books back from students after a semester is over. Think about it. No cameras, no security, five old ladies and old men at the cash registers, and tons of cash. They are handing out cash. There is no way anybody gives you any static. They would just hand over the money. You think a college student is going to stop you? No way, they will probably be pissed off they didn't come up with the idea. I doubt you would even need a real gun to do this. A squirt gun that looks real would probably be sufficient.

The Book Buy Back at my school is held in the student union, you could easily stroll into any student union with a ski mask on, or even some sort of costume, perhaps Darth Vader to be funny. Just think of all the funny costumes used in the comedic bank robbery movie Fun With Dick and Jane. The possibilities are endless. You walk in, walk up to the registers and demand all the cash they have.

Now the only question is: "How much cash are we talking about here?" I did some rough projections off of my personal Book Buy Back. I received 120 dollars for my books this semester. My college has roughly 30,000 students, assume they all got 120 dollars back, that would be 3.6 million dollars handed out. The figures are probably a little higher since I only had three books to sell back. I'll say it again, they are giving cash away! And colleges rip us off for books anyway. They are making double profit off the parents of college kids. They mark the price of books up, buy them back cheap and then mark them up again. I'll bet that any university could afford to lose a couple of million to a college kid dressed up like Darth Vader.

"He's Out of His Gourd"

I'm watching the Chicago Bears take on the Tampa Bay Bucs on Sunday afternoon when FOX shows a shot of the home Chicago crowd. A guy has a sign that reads "No. 23 Michael Jordan," only Jordan's name is crossed out and under it "Devin Hester" is written. As if to say that the rookie return man who wears number 23 has become THE man to wear that number. I think the guy that held up that sign should be stoned to death.

That is the most ridiculous display I have ever seen. Yes, Devin Hester has been great. The guy has six returns for touchdowns this season, an NFL record. But that is not six NBA Finals MVP trophies. The Bears with Devin Hester have not brought the city of Chicago one title, let alone six, and I'm going out on a limb to say that they never will. If Devin Hester is part of one Super Bowl victory, he'll be lucky. I'm even a Bears fan, but that made me want to throw up. I'll wager that Hester chose "23" because of Jordan, even though Jordan did not play football. Jordan is an NBA icon and the best player to ever put a uniform on, Devin Hester won't even win the Rookie of the Year award. He is a return man, that is all.

I'm embarrassed to associate myself with a team where a fan does that. Does he have no sense of what goes on in the great city of Chicago? He looked to be a few years older than me, so he HAS to know and remember Michael Jordan. Those memories don't fade, for anyone. I'll bet Devin Hester will eventually fade from the mind of every sports fan in Chicago, and the memories of Michael Jordan from a decade earlier will never leave the minds of the people of Chicago, not just the sports fans.

That fan should have to pay some kind of penalty for that sign. I don't care if it is a fine or a month in prison or community service, but seriously, he needs to be punished. I've got it. His punishment should be to watch every play Devin Hester has ever played and then every play Michael Jordan has ever played. And his little sign should be hanging right behind his TV set as he does. I know that will take quite a long time, but he needs to realize how stupid he was with that sign on Sunday. And that is a great way for him to realize that he is perhaps the biggest moron on the planet right now.

Winter Wonderlands are Fun...Until You Actually Have To Go Outside

I am a big fan of snow. I love the way it provides some kind of aesthetic pleasantness to the normally dreary winter. Those bare trees get a coat of wonderful white. The snow hides the death that appears everywhere in winter. I know those trees don't really die when the leaves fall off in November, but they sure look dead and the snow helps to hide it.

Having said that, the snow sucks when you actually have to go out in it. It's lovely, so long as you are contained in your fish bowl of a living space, admiring it from the distance. Compare it to the shark tank at the zoo. Sharks are pretty cool to look at, but you don't want to jump in there with them. That would be crazy. So is going out when there is over a foot of snow on the ground.

Here in Columbia, Missouri we got over a foot of snow. Some people have said 16 inches, some people have said 20 inches. It doesn't appear to be that deep. But 12-14 inches seems like a reasonable number. We got this huge gift on the night Thursday, November 30. College got cancelled on Friday, December 1, as you would expect. But you would think that they would be able to clear the roads and parking lots by the following Monday, right? Wrong. The roads by my house are just packed down with frozen slush, and it is all rocky too. Not a nice smooth surface. I felt like I was in the old west driving to school this morning. And then, the parking lot I usually park in was not plowed. There is no way my little car would have survived the unplowed lot. So I had to improvise and find a new place to park that was plowed. That took some time and disrupted my usual morning routine.

I can't believe that the roads are still as bad as they are. The public works folks should get the heave ho, right out into the foot of snow they failed to handle.